Just.

It came, slow and steady…
I felt your hand on my back ..
I felt you trying to get closer to me ..
I accepted it, I encouraged it…
I wanted it ..

It was easy, it was pure ..
Your hands, my hands ..
Playfully trying to find a way ..
needing a way to start ..

it was smooth, it was gentle ..
Your embrace, your touch ..
never wanting to let go ..
never wanting to leave ..

It was warm, it was right ..
You made it easy ..
You made it perfect ..

Your intoxicating …
I need more of you..
I need you all the time,
with me ..

I am yours now ..

Unfold.

I cant comprehend, how I will be knowing that you aren’t around when I need you.
How can I be okay with the fact that you wont be here, to hug me.
Being so far away from you would shatter me.
I don’t want you to leave but I can never ask you to stay.
Don’t look at me, don’t see me cry.
For my tears hold unspoken love.
They will flow with ease, cause I’m hurting through and through.
We speak with our eyes, the words we will never say.
I look at you and all I want to do is soak up as much of you as I can.
Hug me and never let go, embrace me and tell me that this is real.
Hold me and let me cry in your arms, let me be the mess that I am.
I will wait, for my faith and pray that God smiles upon me,
I pray that this is true enough to last the eternity of space between us.
This is not the end, but in reality it is the only end we can have.
This is goodbye, this is my broken heart breathing its last breathe.
I will hold your hand, till the last possible second,
and I will embrace you, till our bodies are imprinted on one another.
My heart will be wrapped, waiting for your return.
for it is my gift to you. accept it or decline, it is yours.
I will forever wait .. till you unfold me.

As a wise woman once said .. “After a while your not going to be here, what the fuck does that even look like..” Debb from Dexter.

Ten.

The pills lay on the table,
They tell me it will stop the pain…
I stare at them, I do not dare touch them,
I’m scared and I’m relieved…
Ten little pills are all I have,
I do not want to take them, yet I’m dying to take them.
This darkness that crawls under my skin grows,
I can control it, but for how long?
Ten little pills are all I have,
My body shivers, I am unsure if the shadow is scared,
or I am!
My neck tightens, my chest closes..
This weight is getting too heavy to bare.
I can survive in denial and pain,
or survive in addiction and bliss…

Nine little pills are all I have left..

Goodbye ..

You are close, very close yet you can not seem to realize that I am right in front of you…
I listen to your voice, hoping that there will be a sign of things to come ..
You talk, and talk but you do not understand that I need you to hear me for once ..
Your here but your already gone .. Your here but I’m already alone…
I drown out the world to focus on you, I down out my sanity to feel you ..
Its too soon, yet its too late .. I wished for you once, I wish for you again …
You have broken my heart, time and time again ..
You do not know that you are capable of hurting me, let alone make me happy …
I dream of you, and wake up to find you further than you were before ..
I need you around me, but you need to say goodbye…
I will hide away my tears, I will not speak of the feelings I hold ..
I will hug you and wish you the best ..
I am heartbroken … even before I had time to fall in love …
Goodbye to the one who broke my heart ..
Goodbye, my almost lover ..

 

Wait.

I’ve had a million conversations with you in my head,
I’ve seen all the outcomes that can happen.
I tell myself I’ll talk to you, I’ll find out the truth. I will know.
But I never do, the world is working against me, I will never tell you.
I will never let you know what I want or need or feel.
I know it doesn’t matter, You are leaving anyway but I need you to know.
I need to face you with all the words that I am unable to speak.
Everyday I wait, every time the word doesn’t let me see you, more words form inside of me.
I don’t think I will ever get to tell you everything, I don’t think I will ever understand everything you would say.
But in the end, if I truly think about it. It doesn’t matter. You will be gone and all these words would mean nothing once your not here.
I already miss you, I already need you, I am already heartbroken, I already started to cry for you.
I will silent wait .. wait for you without you knowing that I am..
This goodbye is your new beginning to life, and is another ending to mine.

Hold on, Let go.

He sits in front of me, perfectly flawed.
I stare at him, immensely infatuated.
He does not see the side of him I long to hold.
I silently dream of futures bright and strong.
He smokes a cigarette and stutters to create words.
I only look at him with content in my eyes.
He tells me things I’ve wished to hear.
I can not put my emotions to words, but its a day late.
Hes words are only a way to hold on to the past,
My words are to hold on to the future.
We are one, but we are non.
He makes me feel young and free,
But hes leaving and I will no longer be young and free.
Thinking about the future, I go cold and stiff.
He will no longer be here, I will be by myself once again.
My best friend, my should to cry on, my unspoken lover,
will no longer be here, I will be once again .. alone.

Love and Rage.

Empty page.

I sit and stare at the pages in front of me,
words float in my head, but non exist in reality.
I have not yet spoken, I have not yet written.
My brain will explode with overwhelming emotion,
but I have no words.

I have so much to say, but I am unable to say anything.
I wonder if I will ever be able to explain, to make you understand.
I know that it is too late, I know that it doesn’t matter.

I hold my pen, and I hover over the page,
I want to write, I want to express it all.
Instead the page is now damp with my tears,
tears I did not know existed.

My mind is blank, but filled with words.
My mind is empty, but emotions crowed it.
My heart is heavy and I don’t understand.
My heart is brittle and I cant heal it.

I believe nothing can be said, I believe nothing can be felt.
All that is needed is a never ending embrace,
Where out bodies share warmth and our hearts beats in synchronization.
All that is needed is silence, silence between our bitter-amorous smiles.

I stare at the empty pages, uneven  from my dried tears.
I stare at the empty pages, wishing that you were here instead.
I stare at your eyes, that are not here and I know .