Limbo.

Can a person crawl out of their own skin?
I would give anything to tear this skin off me. 
The sight of who I am in the mirror is enough to make me cry.
For all I am is unwanted, even by my own reflection.
My view of life is blurry and so are my emotions.
I no longer want to be this, here, now. 
Never have I been so hated by the one I love. 
I feel this dark attachment to the limbo that I am in. 
What hurts the most is when I take a step  closer to you,
you take a step back. You find it a beautiful dance.
while I stand internally bleeding with longing.
I do not want to love you anymore. 
Truth be told, I do not blame you.
to ask anyone to want me, is not an easy thing to do.
For all that I am, is empty. 
Its sad, really.
I am stuck in limbo that is my mind. 
its about time I finally admit it.
I am sad. 

Numb.

It is untrue what they say,
that after a while, 
you go numb.

The truth they hide,
is that the pain never stops,
but inturn, you become paralyzed

You feel everything, you cringe.
You grind your teeth,
but you can not move. 

Pain pulses through my body,
my eyes are wide open,
alert and ready to tear myself out of this skin.

the fury growls inside of me,
yet I am weak and helpless. 
I want to scream and run.
Yet I am silent and slow. 

The ache never seizes
Your brain rapidly lightning up.
You heart furiously beating.
but all you do is lay there .. 
shivering.

I am not numb.
I quiver eternally. 

Inevitable.

It comes down to this..
I am invisible. 
People can only see me by choice. 

I am the wanted yet the forgotten.
I have peace, with all the above.

Yet it comes as a shock,
Every time someone chooses to stop seeing me.

I have often wondered where do I go?
Am I erased forever, or tucked away somewhere?

It is my faith and I will forever be the inevitable.
I am the needed, yet I am transparent. 

I have followed my heart,
and it led me to never ending sorrow.

I have followed my brain,
and it led me to constant pain. 

wash me away, 
like the sea does the shore. 

I hold no hatred, 
I forgive you,
all of you.

If I could,I would forget
that I exist too. 

I wish, I understood… 
Why won’t you let me know?
Should I stay?
Or let you push me away?

The only thing I want..
Is for you to look me in the eyes 
one last time .. 
and say Goodbye…

I only want you to admit,
to show me that you know,
that you are letting me go.  

Hole/Whole.

I exist, in a world where my own pain makes me smile.
I don’t want my demons to have me,
I end up giving myself to everyone around me.

Feeling heavy on the inside, with a thin layer of skin.
I am nothing but a burden to myself, to the world.

Tears start to overflow,  in the same instant a smile forms.
This is me now.
A smile with tears.
A laugh with fears.
A hug with needles.

People look at me, and see nothing.
I no longer feel ashamed of them not seeing me.
I feel proud, that I hide myself so well,
No one could guess the monsters I hold.
I walk with a secret grin under my skin,
I walk with healing scars that hurt worse than fresh ones.

Good girl gone bad?
Bad girl hidden well?
I am neither, I am both.
I am the calm and the storm.
I am the blood and the blade.
I am in love and I am hate.

I am the girl,
you do not waste words on.
Why write, when its about me.
Far from divine, far from worthy.
floating .. vanishing.. evaporating.

There is only so much I can give myself away.
You have more of me than I own.
You don’t even know what you hold.
Keep me safe, from you, from the world.
For I will never be whole again.
Put me in the ground,
Let my brain sleep,
Let my body rest.
Let me drown in the ground.

Chalk.

Use me, 
For I am chalk
and you are the teacher.

Show the world what you can not say.
Words to heal your invisible wounds.
Write the things you want me to do.
I will obey.
For I am the chalk in your hands.

Break me,
For I am chalk
and you are the student.

Break the promises you never spoke.
You used me and I am no longer needed
Make me into two instead of one.
For I am the broken pieces of chalk,
you left on the ground.

Easy to forget, as easy as erasing chalk from a blackboard.
For I am the chalk that is now only powder.
You used me up.
For now I am dust.
You walk past me,
For I no longer exist.

Dry.

This is not a poem
This not artistic. 
This is a confession, 
An honest understanding of ones self.
Giving up is my only option.
And it is done.
I am done.
I’m so tired of thinking
I’m so tired of writing. 
I just want it all to stop.
Stop the Earth from rotating,
Stop the stars from burning. 
Its time to sleep.
Sleep for as long as I can.
Its time to cry.
Cry my heart dry.
My undoing is now.
My undoing is done. 
I am no more.