After a few good days, good conversations and people it hit me.
Today is a day where everything is not real, I can see everyone but feel nothing.
I see the lady in front of me, I feel the metro moving through its tracks but my emotions don’t exists because non of this is real. Am I really here?
I close my eyes, and feel like I’m drifting to a place I don’t know, not that I even know where I am right now.
I walk, focusing on my muscles, how they contract and expand. One foot in front of the other. I take videos of a bird, the trees, my feet as they left from the ground just to find it again.
Maybe this is the path for me, the video taking one, is this way I’m attracted to it? Because it makes me feel less insignificant, less non-existent? it helps ease my mind, cause I don’t have to focus on ‘Why can’t I feel anything?’ but rather on a ‘Oh, even if it’s not real, it’s pretty.’
I sit here for hours, but what are hours? how long have I been here? how long have I been staring at my own fingers, watching them move? am I moving them? are they even mine? this sensation is not familiar. I can feel my eyes swelling with tears.
Am I scared that this isn’t real? or scared that I’m not real? Am I even scared, sad or is this my bodies reaction to not feeling like I control own my hand or fingers?
This usually happens a lot but in short bursts, this time it hit me hard, and it’s a heavy weight. How can it be such a heavy weight when I feel lightheaded?
When I speak, the words that are created in my brain and flow through me, I can sense them but once I speak, once I hear my voice, I don’t recognize it. I don’t feel like it is me, like I choose these words or choose to say them right now. I don’t know who or what made me say anything in the first place.
I no longer understand what is happening to me.
Knowing what DPD is and how my brothers are affected by it and how I’m still in denial that I have it doesn’t help my ability to cope with it one bit.
Maybe it’s just my anxiety acting up? but I know how anxiety works and this is far from it.
Maybe I don’t have anxiety to begin with and all I suffer from is DPD?
Why bother with thinking when I don’t feel like anything around me is even real.
But if that’s the case, then why do I get panic attacks or anxiety if I don’t feel things are real?
My poor brain might just get fried right now.
Being around people that I love helps. I think that’s why I choose to always be around my faviourate people. Maybe that’s a contributor to my abandonment issues. Maybe. Maybe.
Paranoia 